A kiss is all she wanted...

The last couple of weeks have been a bit of "touch and go".  Good days followed by bad days and bad days followed by really bad days.  This emotional roller coaster is not for the fainthearted I tell you.  The purpose of my blog is to journal my personal experience while I realize that the experience of my mom must be 100 million times worse than mine and I'm not trying to minimize it but the idea of this was to vent, perhaps share with the intent of providing strength to the readers and even any one with a loved one battling cancer as well.

In the face of cancer, we all are battling it.  The whole family is affected too.  Ideally, we all come together and taking it on as a team but at the beginning everyone was pulling in their direction.  And rightly so, we all love mom (selfishness is natural and part of the human experience).  I don't want to go over how upsetting that was at the beginning but I will share only the pertinent information.  Her husband would not allow the rest of us to partake of decisions and bring information that could be helpful.  He had her going to see a Beriatric doctor with no oncology experience giving her the initial colonoscopy.  Later on, he came to his senses and we were able to find mom an Oncology Gastro-enterologist, thank God!  After several examinations, she was scheduled for surgery.  The initial tumor was a Stage 4 in the ascending colon.  Those are very aggressive tumors.  The doctor after the operation gave us hope, it was encapsulated which means it had not spread.  At that point, mom was advised to follow up with Chemo and Radiation but she refused further treatment.  In hindsight, I believe it was a big mistake! (Please get your colonoscopy my friend.  Listen to your body.)

A year and a half later, we were rushing back to the ER because she was vomiting profusely and in excruciating pain.  After some exams, we found out that it had metastisized.  It was now all over the ovaries, liver and stomach.  The pain was the result of "Ascites".  Once it was removed, she felt a lot better and so did we.  It's amazing how seeing her progress even a little bit brings such hope, suddenly my faith feels stronger and I have the desire to pray.  But honestly, when I see her unable to speak or move or walk or eat, I pray differently.  I am well versed in the Word and I should be saying something religiously dignified like "oh, I'm standing on this and that verse"...but in reality...I could barely utter a prayer and I simply ask God to take her away from all this pain.  I want someone out there to know, that even the leaders, giants of the faith, and so called anointed people of God have moments where our hearts are so heavy that it's nearly impossible to pray other than "Lord, please have mercy".  I don't beg, I'm a daughter, I plead, I cry, I silently long for His response.

Lately, my prayers are more like "Lord, one day of respite from the pain" and that prayer gets answered the very next day.  I am grateful for that.  When
we are given that day, I take advantage of it and tell her how much I love her and how awesome a mom she was.  She looks at me and smiles.  I am the oldest and parents for the most part make the bulk of their parenting mistakes with the oldest child.  Did she make mistakes?  A lot but at this point is this the time to highlight that?  No, I highlight the good, the amazing, the lessons because I am the result of what she did as much as what she did not do!  All contributed to making me the woman of God I am today.  While I don't feel like I have achieved all that I am called to do but I am certainly on the right path to get there, thanks to her!

Yesterday, she took a nice shower, we changed her pajamas, gave her some little treats she was able to eat and enjoy and then helped her lay down to rest.  We spent the whole day together.  It was wonderful.  After a whole day of feeling better and lots of deep conversations, I asked mom what else I could do for her.  She simply answered "just a big kiss".

 
".Ascites is a gastroenterological term for an accumulation of fluid in the peritoneal cavity that exceeds 25 mL.^{[1] (Wikipedia)}

At least I had one day...

Have you read the verse "better is one day in your house than a thousand out there"?  Well, I had one good day with mom.  Frankly, its not enough.  The first child always suffers from the "i'm not loved enough syndrome".  Why?  Because we have to share our moms with siblings, jobs, husbands, family and I can't explain but we just need more.  I read a book on the order of birth and its different needs.  I also met the author lovely Christian lady from  the Midwest.  Here is a link if you wish to order it:  https://openlibrary.org/authors/OL888028A/Barbara_A._Sullivan

I had that gift of presence with mom.  I tell you I cherish every second.  I just sat next to her and listened.  I would ask "leading" questions and just listened to the river of wisdom that flowed so freely from her lips, from her insightful mind and her deeply rooted in God spirit.  It was a feast, an emotional and spiritual banquet.  I ate to my heart's content!

She asked for chocolate Ice Cream as we were sitting by the beach and I obliged.  Lucky for us, there was a Kilwin's near us; (only the best) Ice Cream parlor in town.  She only took about 3 spoonfuls but smiled as she was savoring it.  It gave me such happiness to see her enjoying it.  After the Chemo, she had lost her tastebuds and missed enjoying the various flavors of food.

That day she woke up determined.  "Take me to the beach, Diana".  "Yes, mami, for sure", I replied.  I watched her look for the new bathing she had purchased weeks ago.  As she was dressing herself with my help, she couldn't believe how her bones were so protuberant.  She looked at herself in disbelief, 65 pounds lighter in less than one year, it was quite shocking.  Every time she asks me to sit her up, I can feel the frail frame of her body.  My mom was always a bit on the chunky side.  To hold her and feel every bone in her body is quite disheartening. Let me tell you about my mom.  She is classy, elegant, she would match the color of her lipstick to her nail polish.  Her shoes matched her bag.  I'm telling you, classy!

To see her deteriorate daily and see her unbearable pain it's extremely painful.  Yes, I pray for a miracle but I also pray for the miracle of her graduating to Eternity and being pain-free in a glorified body cancer-free!  Selfishness says:  Lord, heal my mom! but Unselfish love says:  "Lord, take my mom"!  It's not easy...but this process is just too brutal.  You would think with all the technology we have, we still haven't been able to cure cancer.  Or have we and big pharma won't let us know because Cancer is a multi-billion dollar industry that many benefit from.  I don't want to go there right now, it pisses me off!

Back to this emotional roller coaster....just like mom, I have good days and then I have days where I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The next day after that day at the beach, I had to take mom back to the Hospice Unit for pain management and other nursing care.  She was throwing up so bad that there was nothing else I could do at home.  They did an x-ray and found an obstruction.  We had to wait 48 hours and pray earnestly to see some of it come out.  There was one in the large intestine which came out and another stubborn one in the small intestine that is still there.  She can't eat, only some liquids.  "Lord, please take my mom, is my cry!"

My brother tells me, "Diana, mom wants to go".  I said, "I know".  God has the day, the hour, the minute already decreed.  My prayer is that as we wait, we can continue to worship, pray and be united giving mom love and support until the moment comes.

A glimpse of hope...

Last nite mom slept well.  The new meds really knock her out.  I sleep next to her just in case she needs anything when she is staying in my home.  I don't want her to have to wait for anything that can ease her pain.  I prayed during the night and kept waking up every couple of hours.  My prayer was more like "Lord, give her a little respite from all this pain".  Upon waking up at around 7 am, she was still asleep.  I went for my regular morning routine:  prayer, reading the Word and a large cup of coffee.

Hours later, we were visited by a Social Worker assigned by the Hospice Team to visit mom and see about her progress.  She was also a believer.  God is truly assembling quite the team for mom.  After a few minutes of getting acquainted she wanted to see mom.  She walked into my little "Oasis of Peace" I have created for mom.  Soothing colors in the bed and walls (Ice blue) and healing scriptures with violins playing in the background in both English and Hebrew.  I highly recommend it, its by Sid Roth.

Everyone who walks into the Oasis of Peace Room is impacted by the Presence of God there.  You can even sense and see the angelic movement in it.  The Social Worker noticed the scriptures I have written on paper on the walls.  My mom told her every time she looks at it it gives her hope. I felt like, "dagg, at least I'm doing something right".  That feeds my hope.  And don't get me wrong, it may not be hope that mom will get better because I am not in denial...this is a matter of time (unless God says otherwise of course) but I am hopeful that her process is one of peace and release and comfort in the Presence of the Lord and in a small but effective way I get to be a part of this.

This morning mom asked to go to the beach and guess what I'm doing after this....yeap, we are going to the beach.  Lucky for me, I live like 15 minutes away from the ocean.  I will take pictures and post it later.  For now...my prayer was answered! We are getting that day of respite today and we are going to enjoy it in Yeshua's mighty name.

Thank you Lord for this day, we will rejoice and be glad in it!

My mom's Journey with Cancer

I am going to start writing about this experience as I am still in it for two reasons:
1.  To unwind and relief my soul from the grief and all the multi-colors of emotions that accompany watching a loved one g
o through this awful process and;
2.  To hopefully encourage someone out there who could be going through the same.

My faith in God (as I conceive Him/Her) is that He is loving and merciful but He allows certain things happen to good people that sometimes don't make any sense.  I will not pretend to you and tell you that I am ok and at peace with all of this.  It has been two years since the diagnosis and treatments and here we are still in the "thick of things".  Let me back track a bit...

I was holding conferences and speaking engagements in NYC and Pennsylvania the autumn of 2014.  It is my passion to share the message of Inner Healing and Restoration through a personal relationship with God and Coaching since 1996.  This effort is achieved through a ministry called Daughters of Zion and my Coaching practice - Latina Life Coaching Services.

That evening I received a call from my brother; "have you spoken to mom?" he asked, I said 'yes, she told me that she might get an operation of one of her shoulders because its been bothering her a lot'.  "It's not that" he said, "she doesn't want you to know because she knows it will upset you while you are speaking at your conferences but it is much worse than that".  I felt a rainbow of emotions...red for anger, green for sick to my stomach...purple for helplessness and then I brought it back to yellow...peace to gather up the courage to call and find out.

I immediately called mom.  She answered with a different frailty and fear in her voice.  'Mom, how are you, what is going on?" "I'm ok, I didn't want to upset you being that you are busy now with your conferences".  I assured her that it was ok to tell me.  She then told me "well, I went to a colonoscopy and I got the results and I have, you know, I don't want to say the word".  It was a Stage 4 Ascending Colon Cancer.

I asked her "mom, what do you want to see happen throughout all of this?"  She then began to give me a defeated explanation why at 72 she was ok with dying because she had lived a good life.  My initial reaction was "are you kidding me?"  We fight!  We find the best care and we go for it.  We choose life!  But mom's demeanor was one of surrender to what she believed to be a hopeless battle.  Her reaction upset me at first.  How selfish...die?  Hell no!  We need you around, we love you, we hardly spend any time with you (that's another story).  We ended the conversation with prayer and an agreement that once I got back home I would help her to find the best care.

A few weeks later, upon returning home.  She had an appointment with Bariatric doctor who had no prior experience nor knowledge of how to treat cancer.  (This is the other story:  her controlling husband thinks for her and she gave away her voice and opinion to this man for the last 18 years).  I gathered my siblings and insisted that this was not the doctor to care for mom.  We started calling Cancer Centers of America and Cleveland Clinic to find the nearest Gastroenterologist-Oncologist and we did.  (A side note:  if you are facing this with a loved one make sure you get the best medical care possible for them. Do your research.  Chemo and Radiation are not the only options. It can save their life or at least lengthen it.)

I saw an interesting article on the life expenctancy for Colon Cancer depending on the stage of the tumors.  Here it is:  http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/type/bowel-cancer/treatment/statistics-and-outlook-for-bowel-cancer

In the early days of January 2015, mom had a re-section of the ascending colon to remove the tumor. But she was too stubborn to seek follow up treatment.  She refused Chemo or Radiation for over a year after that operation. Meanwhile, she was eating organic food and trying her best to stay positive. She also started a B-17 treatment.  It was intravenous. We were very hopeful.  Toward the end of 2015, more symptoms started to surface.  She was in excruciating pain constantly, bloated, constipated, terrible nausea, heartburn, painful passing of stool and even blood in it.

As we went back to the ER with mom we knew we were facing yet another very delicate time.  After all kinds of tests, we found it had metastasized.  Liver, Stomach and Ovaries were compromised.  Asking mom to reconsider Chemo at this point was a bit easier.  She finally accepted and she began her Chemo treatment.  She did 6 sessions.  They were brutal.  She had Ascites (a fluid that forms in the abdominal area as a result of the liver being compromised and tends to be very painful for the cancer patient). Well, 2 quarts were removed and she began to feel better.

Chemo began...wow what a difficult time that was.  Every session was harder than the next one.  After the first one, she had to be hospitalized.  It was brutal.  She completed 6 sessions and the results were not what we had hoped for.  She has lost over 60 lbs in less than 18 months.  She is weak, frail, no appetite, her beautiful hair is almost gone. But she is now wearing a cool Fedora, my mom is too funny.  She is all woman with her vanity.  I love it!

All this time, I am praying and believing.  I'm still praying I'm not so sure I am praying the same prayer.  My prayers are changing from:  "Lord heal my mom" to "Lord, don't let my mom suffer for too long".  It's not about me...my sense of loss, my sadness...my nothing...I just don't want to see her suffer.