I am going to start writing about this experience as I am still in it for two reasons:
1. To unwind and relief my soul from the grief and all the multi-colors of emotions that accompany watching a loved one g
o through this awful process and;
2. To hopefully encourage someone out there who could be going through the same.
My faith in God (as I conceive Him/Her) is that He is loving and merciful but He allows certain things happen to good people that sometimes don't make any sense. I will not pretend to you and tell you that I am ok and at peace with all of this. It has been two years since the diagnosis and treatments and here we are still in the "thick of things". Let me back track a bit...
I was holding conferences and speaking engagements in NYC and Pennsylvania the autumn of 2014. It is my passion to share the message of Inner Healing and Restoration through a personal relationship with God and Coaching since 1996. This effort is achieved through a ministry called Daughters of Zion and my Coaching practice - Latina Life Coaching Services.
That evening I received a call from my brother; "have you spoken to mom?" he asked, I said 'yes, she told me that she might get an operation of one of her shoulders because its been bothering her a lot'. "It's not that" he said, "she doesn't want you to know because she knows it will upset you while you are speaking at your conferences but it is much worse than that". I felt a rainbow of emotions...red for anger, green for sick to my stomach...purple for helplessness and then I brought it back to yellow...peace to gather up the courage to call and find out.
I immediately called mom. She answered with a different frailty and fear in her voice. 'Mom, how are you, what is going on?" "I'm ok, I didn't want to upset you being that you are busy now with your conferences". I assured her that it was ok to tell me. She then told me "well, I went to a colonoscopy and I got the results and I have, you know, I don't want to say the word". It was a Stage 4 Ascending Colon Cancer.
I asked her "mom, what do you want to see happen throughout all of this?" She then began to give me a defeated explanation why at 72 she was ok with dying because she had lived a good life. My initial reaction was "are you kidding me?" We fight! We find the best care and we go for it. We choose life! But mom's demeanor was one of surrender to what she believed to be a hopeless battle. Her reaction upset me at first. How selfish...die? Hell no! We need you around, we love you, we hardly spend any time with you (that's another story). We ended the conversation with prayer and an agreement that once I got back home I would help her to find the best care.
A few weeks later, upon returning home. She had an appointment with Bariatric doctor who had no prior experience nor knowledge of how to treat cancer. (This is the other story: her controlling husband thinks for her and she gave away her voice and opinion to this man for the last 18 years). I gathered my siblings and insisted that this was not the doctor to care for mom. We started calling Cancer Centers of America and Cleveland Clinic to find the nearest Gastroenterologist-Oncologist and we did. (A side note: if you are facing this with a loved one make sure you get the best medical care possible for them. Do your research. Chemo and Radiation are not the only options. It can save their life or at least lengthen it.)
I saw an interesting article on the life expenctancy for Colon Cancer depending on the stage of the tumors. Here it is: http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/type/bowel-cancer/treatment/statistics-and-outlook-for-bowel-cancer
In the early days of January 2015, mom had a re-section of the ascending colon to remove the tumor. But she was too stubborn to seek follow up treatment. She refused Chemo or Radiation for over a year after that operation. Meanwhile, she was eating organic food and trying her best to stay positive. She also started a B-17 treatment. It was intravenous. We were very hopeful. Toward the end of 2015, more symptoms started to surface. She was in excruciating pain constantly, bloated, constipated, terrible nausea, heartburn, painful passing of stool and even blood in it.
As we went back to the ER with mom we knew we were facing yet another very delicate time. After all kinds of tests, we found it had metastasized. Liver, Stomach and Ovaries were compromised. Asking mom to reconsider Chemo at this point was a bit easier. She finally accepted and she began her Chemo treatment. She did 6 sessions. They were brutal. She had Ascites (a fluid that forms in the abdominal area as a result of the liver being compromised and tends to be very painful for the cancer patient). Well, 2 quarts were removed and she began to feel better.
Chemo began...wow what a difficult time that was. Every session was harder than the next one. After the first one, she had to be hospitalized. It was brutal. She completed 6 sessions and the results were not what we had hoped for. She has lost over 60 lbs in less than 18 months. She is weak, frail, no appetite, her beautiful hair is almost gone. But she is now wearing a cool Fedora, my mom is too funny. She is all woman with her vanity. I love it!
All this time, I am praying and believing. I'm still praying I'm not so sure I am praying the same prayer. My prayers are changing from: "Lord heal my mom" to "Lord, don't let my mom suffer for too long". It's not about me...my sense of loss, my sadness...my nothing...I just don't want to see her suffer.
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