At least I had one day...

Have you read the verse "better is one day in your house than a thousand out there"?  Well, I had one good day with mom.  Frankly, its not enough.  The first child always suffers from the "i'm not loved enough syndrome".  Why?  Because we have to share our moms with siblings, jobs, husbands, family and I can't explain but we just need more.  I read a book on the order of birth and its different needs.  I also met the author lovely Christian lady from  the Midwest.  Here is a link if you wish to order it:  https://openlibrary.org/authors/OL888028A/Barbara_A._Sullivan

I had that gift of presence with mom.  I tell you I cherish every second.  I just sat next to her and listened.  I would ask "leading" questions and just listened to the river of wisdom that flowed so freely from her lips, from her insightful mind and her deeply rooted in God spirit.  It was a feast, an emotional and spiritual banquet.  I ate to my heart's content!

She asked for chocolate Ice Cream as we were sitting by the beach and I obliged.  Lucky for us, there was a Kilwin's near us; (only the best) Ice Cream parlor in town.  She only took about 3 spoonfuls but smiled as she was savoring it.  It gave me such happiness to see her enjoying it.  After the Chemo, she had lost her tastebuds and missed enjoying the various flavors of food.

That day she woke up determined.  "Take me to the beach, Diana".  "Yes, mami, for sure", I replied.  I watched her look for the new bathing she had purchased weeks ago.  As she was dressing herself with my help, she couldn't believe how her bones were so protuberant.  She looked at herself in disbelief, 65 pounds lighter in less than one year, it was quite shocking.  Every time she asks me to sit her up, I can feel the frail frame of her body.  My mom was always a bit on the chunky side.  To hold her and feel every bone in her body is quite disheartening. Let me tell you about my mom.  She is classy, elegant, she would match the color of her lipstick to her nail polish.  Her shoes matched her bag.  I'm telling you, classy!

To see her deteriorate daily and see her unbearable pain it's extremely painful.  Yes, I pray for a miracle but I also pray for the miracle of her graduating to Eternity and being pain-free in a glorified body cancer-free!  Selfishness says:  Lord, heal my mom! but Unselfish love says:  "Lord, take my mom"!  It's not easy...but this process is just too brutal.  You would think with all the technology we have, we still haven't been able to cure cancer.  Or have we and big pharma won't let us know because Cancer is a multi-billion dollar industry that many benefit from.  I don't want to go there right now, it pisses me off!

Back to this emotional roller coaster....just like mom, I have good days and then I have days where I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The next day after that day at the beach, I had to take mom back to the Hospice Unit for pain management and other nursing care.  She was throwing up so bad that there was nothing else I could do at home.  They did an x-ray and found an obstruction.  We had to wait 48 hours and pray earnestly to see some of it come out.  There was one in the large intestine which came out and another stubborn one in the small intestine that is still there.  She can't eat, only some liquids.  "Lord, please take my mom, is my cry!"

My brother tells me, "Diana, mom wants to go".  I said, "I know".  God has the day, the hour, the minute already decreed.  My prayer is that as we wait, we can continue to worship, pray and be united giving mom love and support until the moment comes.